W.E. Guide To 2014 Student Elections

20140509_163949Student Elections are often confusing, skull-smashingly boring affairs, where we have the chance to make the over-achievers and go getters of today become the politicians and shells-of-their-former-selves of tomorrow. In order to help our fellow Bruins understand who is best suited to best suit their office, the Westwood Enabler has compiled a list of top candidates, based on the flyers that were kindly shoved down our collective throats on Bruinwalk. REMEMBER: VOTE OR DIE. VOTING IS FLEETING BUT DEATH IS FOREVER.

Sam “Slamma-Jamma” Sengari


Running for: El Presidente de Studente
Major: Mystical Beasts, Minor in Bigfoot Studies
Platforms: Federate Twerk Teams into representative, proportional districts; integrate and ally Booty Clap frats with community service agencies, and Earn Big $$$ Working From Home
Qualifications: Current Chair Owner
Hobbies: Dog smuggling, BInge-fishing


Audrey “Can’t Touch This” Freedman

02Running for: Vice President of Ex Girlfriends
Major: Theoretical Gymnastics
Platforms: Bring back the UCLA Firing Squad, Selling laptops in vending machines
Qualifications: Chief Staff Director of Directing Chief Staff. Chair of “AIDS for Grades” campaign, Representative for Hispanic Sushi Chefs Union
Hobbies: Collecting retro torture devices, Dressage

Fern “Gully” Rothchild

Fern Running for: General Admission
Major: Voodoo Sports Medicine
Platforms: Mandatory smoking on campus, Separate trash bins for condoms
Qualifications: Goes to UCLA, Knows a guy who can get you into IMAX movies for the price of a child’s ticket
Hobbies: Dragon slaying, Hyphen-ation


Nihal “Saturday Night” Satyadev

Running for: Representative Dude
Major: Historical Chemistry
Platforms: Campus-wide juggling ban, Rent a Shoe shoe rental service
Qualifications: Owns a pen and a clipboard, can make really mediocre pancakes. Director of Internal Vice Staff Directing
Hobbies: Moon-howling, watching TV through storefront windows

Kevin “Raw Eggs” Pertstall

KevinRunning for: Vice President of Magic
Major: French Go-karting
Platforms: Separate trash cans for transgender trash and transgender recycling, Bust Must Plus
Qualifications: Fourth Place in 2013 Hot Dog Eating Championship, handstands, pushups. Vice Chair of Chair Vices
Hobbies: YouTube commentating, Man-teasing, Playing that game where a ball is on a string tied to a cup and you have to catch the ball inside the cup, Skeeball


Carlos “Do You Even Lift?” Questal

032-apolinar-grad-insideRunning for: Vice President of Galactic Star Union
Major:  Atomic Gardening, Minor in Breakdancing
Platforms: Bring back the UCLA gallows, Free Soup for Soupless Teens
Qualifications: Shouting, Safety Dance Director. Chief Vice Director for Team Edward
Hobbies: Quidditch, Home-phoning, Digital Soup Rendering


Nepalese “Catsup” KetchupKetchup

Running for:
 Vice Condiment
Major:  Instinctual Spanish, Nepalese Ketchup Physics
Platforms: “Cut The Mustard” Anti-Mustard Slander Campaign
Qualifications: 57, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Chief Staff Infection of Directors
Hobbies: Being hard to reach, Going out to eat, Being knifed, Spilling on your new white shirt


Jeffery “Don’t Call Me White” Whiteman

JeffRunning for: Grand Wizard of Waverly Place
Major:  Political Geometry
Platforms: “Gettin’ Paid, Gettin’ Laid” Student Escort Service
Qualifications: Champion Holla’er, Three time Annual Hezbollah Bake-Off Winner
Hobbies: Questionable life choices, going to nightclubs to watch other people dance while telling his friends “I don’t dance,” Pretending to have no money when homeless people ask him for change

Voting will take place in the alley behind Ralphs between Midnight and Halloween. Ask for Brad, tell him the Enabler sent you. Democracy!


About Nathan Guzik 16 Articles
Nathan Guzik is a write-words-funny-fun-man who was born without a British accent and is constantly trying to make up for it. Co-founder of The Westwood Enabler, and head staff writer and editor. Check out more of his comedy at nathangeles.com, and follow his instagram @nathangeles for up-to-date comedy stylings.

Be the first to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.