WESTWOOD, CA – The Undergraduate Population Control Board (UPCB) enacted a strict one-child policy Saturday in an attempt to quell the burgeoning overpopulation issue plaguing the Bruin Plate dining hall. The new policy will restrict UCLA couples, threesomes, quartets, pentads, and other higher-order communal guardianship teams to only one child per parenting group. This restriction stands regardless of a child’s manner of acquisition including but not limited to procreation, adoption, abduction, and stork post.
As of late, Bruin Plate has experienced a shortage of food and drink. Just two weeks ago, the dining hall pantry became gluten-free following complete expenditure of the region’s gluten stock. These shortages are sadly nothing new to UCLA. Signs of dwindling sustenance can be traced all the way back to October of 2013 when UCLA was forced to replenish soda fountains campus-wide with Coca Cola after Pepsi reserves had run dry. Many Bruin Plate inhabitants believe this new overpopulation policy has been long overdue. Yet, all are grateful to have some prospect of relief.
In the UPCB vote this weekend, the one-child policy was chosen over another more “laissez-faire” policy which called for officials to allow overpopulation to run its course. “Our dining hall population is over capacity, and that will lead to an exhaustion of our food supply. But that’s perfectly fine. Once we hit that mark, students will begin to die of starvation, and our population numbers will naturally regress to sustainable levels,” contended 2nd-year math major J.B. Thames.
The UPCB’s decision to forgo the “laissez-faire” policy in favor of the one-child policy comes as a bit of a surprise. Anti-“laissez-faire” policy sentiment was most strongly held by the members of the UCLA admissions department. The alignment of a UPCB ruling with admissions department preferences is unusual due to the fact that the two groups are often at odds.
Tempers flared between the two just last week when UPCB board member Ed Kessel alleged that admissions leniency was the primary cause of the overpopulation problem. “This is ridiculous. If admissions is going to let everyone and their moms into UCLA, then everyone’s moms are going to have to stop pumping all of these kids out of their damn baby holes!” Kessel shouted at a UCLA campus organizations assembly.
The admissions department, of course, lacks a fondness for student fatalities. “The higher the student death rate, the lower the number of applicants we receive,” explained UCLA admissions officer Wendy Kotter. “In this case particularly, though, student deaths aren’t the only deaths that concern us. The problem with leaving overpopulation to resolve itself, is that there’s no telling who in the Bruin Plate population dies because of it. Not everyone who dines at Bruin Plate is a UCLA student, and the only thing worse than a UCLA student dying is a non-UCLA student dying.”
Middle school students on field trips and campus tour groups – prospective applicants and their families – also dine in the Bruin Plate dining hall, and overpopulation would not discriminately kill only enrolled UCLA attendees. “It’s actually worse for admissions if non-students rather than students die on the UCLA campus. Parents, for one reason or another, just don’t seem to want to send their kids to a school where their kids died,” said Kotter. Non-students are actually more likely to be the victims of a food depletion as they are less familiar with the dining hall habitat and thus less fit to compete for the increasingly scarce resources.
The one-child policy, though, does not come without some concerns of its own. Some worry that a one-child policy might create a disparity in the population’s sex-ratio skewed towards males as has resulted from similar policy implementation in China.
Head proponent of the one-child policy, noted masculinist, and protected-sex enthusiast Lester Hannah shrugged off these concerns citing UCLA’s currently female-heavy populace (45.2% male, 54.8% female): “Any effects that the one-child policy would have on the population’s sex ratio would work towards equalizing the gap between males and females. Men would finally be liberated of the discriminatory biases enforced by our female-dominated society.”
The Bruin Plate dining hall is scheduled to undergo renovations later this month. The main focus of these renovations will be the installation of new lighting, self-service abortion stations, and child sacrifice altars. These new installations will provide offending parents alternatives in order to avoid incurrence of one-child policy penalties.
The penalty for exceeding the one-child maximum, as decided by the UPCB, will be having to be the parent of even more kids.
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