WESTWOOD – In response to a sudden increase in sexual activity in campus-owned housing, UCLA has announced its decision to convert Pauley Pavilion into a sexile refugee camp. University officials claim this is due to “Suns Out Buns Out” syndrome, a sudden surge in teenage and young-adult libido in connection with the wonderful spring weather.
“Obviously safety comes first,” says Robert Windel, president of the newly formed Sexile Awareness and Prevention (SAP) club. “We need to make sure students are provided with things like condoms and birth control to guarantee safer sex, but we already have several groups on campus who do a great job of this. The Healthcare Center, the LGBT Center, the SWC, and my RA, just to name a few. No one ever thinks about the sexiled, however. What are they supposed to do? It’s a harrowing and potentially scarring experience to be booted from your own living space so your roommate can have sexual intercourse or participate in any other number of pleasurable acts. You can feel lonely, used, and isolated. In response to this, our group has petitioned for a sexile refugee camp.”
Windel, a second year Human Biology and Society major, says he was inspired after being kicked out of his room one too many times.
“My first year I lived with a random roommate, and he ended up joining a frat and having girls over all the time. It got so bad that my RA set me up with a futon in the lounge,” Windel recalls. “So I figured that this year I’d live with my best buddy Conrad, but then he got a girlfriend. Which is fine and all! She’s great, I love her, but they’re always banging. I keep ending up in the lounge, and the couches aren’t always welcoming.”
The petition received over a thousand signatures and, after two weeks of deliberation, was approved by housing and campus officials. Pauley Pavilion, which has yet to be renamed, will undergo a series of renovations starting June of this year. The finalized plan for the building includes bunk beds, sleeping bags, romantic comedy movies, and storage units for chocolate and ice cream.
“The goal is to create a welcoming environment where anyone who has been sexiled can express their loneliness,” Windel explains. The building is expected to be able to serve 1,000 students per night, with accommodations for a larger crowd on weekends. Pauley Pavilion can currently seat just under 14,000 comfortably, and therefore would not be utilizing all of its space if it served solely as a sexile refugee camp.
“There will be rooms with counselors, bathrooms of course, and hopefully a movie theater. There will also be a new student store and one large study room. The resources will be available to anyone with a Bruincard – you don’t have to live on the hill. In fact, similar to DeNeve, we think there will be a few auditoriums for classes to be taught out of,” Windel states. Though Windel is enthusiastic, not all students support his vision.
“This is stupid. Where are we going to have basketball games now?” asks Dylan Quinn, a third year student majoring in sports enthusiasm. “They can’t just destroy Pauley Pavilion because one guy is sad.”
Quinn is not alone, and several basketball fans are expected to protest at the groundbreaking ceremony. The date for the ceremony has not been announced yet, but Quinn remains adamant that the protest will succeed. “We’re a very unified student body, and sports helps out with that. I refuse to provide any support for this attempt to destroy our school through comfort and opportunity.” ❖