Man Loses Collaborative Playlist in Divorce Settlement
PORTLAND, OR — A Portland couple has divorced after ten years of marriage, with Ms. Slater gaining custody of the marriage’s collaborative Spotify playlist. “Look, […]
Frats Denounce COVID, Promise It Won’t Happen Again
WESTWOOD — UCLA’s Greek organizations released a statement Monday acknowledging allegations that they have contributed to the spread of COVID-19 on campus. “Everybody makes mistakes, […]
Opinion: The Pope Isn’t As Hot As My Dad
VATICAN CITY — How many times do I have to say this? Pope Francis isn’t the hottest old white guy out there! Every freaking time […]
Weapons Of Mass Destruction Mourn Passing Of Colin Powell: “He Always Believed In Us, Even When No One Else Did”
CLOUD CUCKOO LAND — In a statement released this morning out of the realm of imagination, Saddam Hussein’s Weapons of Mass Destruction mourned the death […]
Psychology Professor Denies Mental Health Related Extension
WESTWOOD — On Tuesday evening, UCLA Professor of Psychology Dr. Janice Smith denied her student’s request for a mental health related extension on her final […]
Confident 100 Year-old Still Buys in Bulk
LOS ANGELES — Despite his advanced age of 100, local World War II veteran Percival Buckland remains steadfast in his patronage of the Sepulveda Costco […]
Second-Year Reverses “Blue Lives Matter” Stance After Receiving Minor In Possession Citation
WESTWOOD — Second-year business economics student Cassie Duvall recently reversed her support for the Blue Lives Matter movement after receiving a citation on Thursday evening […]
3 Signs the Girl Who Liked Your Post in the Class GroupMe Is in Love With You
You have been looking for some romance, but never thought you might find it in your chemistry group chat with 589 people. After replying to […]
Student Realizes Quarantine Not The Problem
WESTWOOD — After skipping her first week of in-person classes to lie in bed and watch YouTube videos about 16th century ship-building techniques, third-year Cognitive […]
New Disney Film to Include Studio’s 25th First Gay Character
BURBANK — In a promotional interview for the Walt Disney Company’s newest animated feature, Encanto, CEO Bob Chapek revealed that the film would include the […]