Opinion: The Pope Isn’t As Hot As My Dad

VATICAN CITY How many times do I have to say this? Pope Francis isn’t the hottest old white guy out there! Every freaking time I log on to Facebook, I’m forced to scroll through a barrage of thirst posts about how Pope Francis is hot. I’m so sick of seeing that crap. If you want to see some REAL eye candy, just come to the neighborhood barbecue next week and take a look at my dad.

There’s a reason “daddy” rhymes with “baddie,” folks. That reason has a name: Frank. My old man’s got chest hair that will give you chills and a bod that will make anyone want to rip off his wife beater and go to town. You’ve never seen anyone salivating during Mass, and that’s because old Francie just can’t pull the way my dad can.

The pope also doesn’t have my dad’s sense of fashion. He sort of pulls off that weird big hat thing, sure, but have you ever seen Papa in a baseball cap at my swim meets? The man can make gross pool water sizzle!

Okay, fine, the Pope might be sort of cute. Let’s be honest, though- he’s not exactly DILF material. You can’t be celibate and be a DILF, people. I’ve been saying this for years! It’s the biggest problem with Christianity: church is a no-DILF zone. I’m Jewish for the DILFs, and I love my Jewish DILF dad.

About Gillian Smith 50 Articles
Flavius Octavius Julius Gaius Septimius, known colloquially as "Gillian the Great," is the 71st emperor of Rome. Her notable achievements include winning the 2021 Maryland BOGGLE state championship and not being assassinated yet.