Frats Denounce COVID, Promise It Won’t Happen Again

WESTWOOD — UCLA’s Greek organizations released a statement Monday acknowledging allegations that they have contributed to the spread of COVID-19 on campus. “Everybody makes mistakes, and sometimes those mistakes hurt people. A lot of people. Repeatedly,” explained Tucker Timms, Sigma Chi’s resident epidemiology expert and beer pong champion. “But the important thing is we’ve learned our lesson. And nobody will shut us down. Ever. No matter what.” Timms was unavailable for comment at press time, as he was forcing freshmen to drink vodka out of a trash can.

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Maxwell "Rough n Tumble" "Go Buy Me Some Vegan Snacks" Geronimo "Geronimo" Flora wastes a lot of time on this publication.