Second-Year Reverses “Blue Lives Matter” Stance After Receiving Minor In Possession Citation

WESTWOOD — Second-year business economics student Cassie Duvall recently reversed her support for the Blue Lives Matter movement after receiving a citation on Thursday evening for wielding a grapefruit White Claw. “If I had known that I would be held responsible for my actions by the same police I had posted Instagram infographics for, I would have never supported them,” said Duvall as she closed a tab on her computer for Mike Pence fan fiction. “I mean, shouldn’t the police be fighting real crime? Not me enjoying an alcoholic beverage, but actually criminal things, like stealing food to feed your starving family or peacefully protesting injustice?” At press time, Duvall excused herself to attend a PragerU workshop on how to balance a full-time job while still finding time to hate the poor.

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Putin's second least favorite Jewish comedian.