“Intersectionality,” And Other Buzzwords You Can Use To Justify Buying From Amazon
We all know how it goes. You run out of masks or printer ink or clean underwear, and you need more ASAP. There’s only one […]
LAPD Finds All Suspects Of Murder Case In Break Room
LOS ANGELES — In what must have been either a stroke of luck or an eerie coincidence, the Los Angeles Police Department discovered every suspect […]
Off-Campus Students Realize They Have To Feed Themselves To Live
WESTWOOD — Off-campus student Jess Rodgers expressed frustration Tuesday after learning that Earth did not have dining halls everywhere and that she needed to find […]
Activist Alert! Poli Sci Major Refuses To Drink Moscow Mules
WESTWOOD — Following Russia’s invasion of Ukraine in February, UCLA’s students have found a method of protest which caters to the party scene. “Once I found […]
EXPOSED: Queen Elizabeth Is A Nepotism Baby
LONDON — Sources revealed early Tuesday morning that Queen Elizabeth II is a product of nepotism. “I looked her up on Wikipedia and her parents’ […]
HBO Announces Euphoria Prequel Set In Preschool
LOS ANGELES — Soon after receiving record-high ratings for its second season, Euphoria show-runner Sam Levinson announced a prequel show set in preschool. “We’re really […]
Body-Positive Man Removes Height from Tinder Bio
WESTWOOD — UCLA’s dating app scene made an historic push toward body positivity Tuesday, when 6’2 third-year Brant Jacobs removed his height from his Tinder […]
Toy Story 5 Trailer Depicts Andy’s Sex Toys Coming To Life
HOLLYWOOD — In a surprise announcement made Tuesday morning, Pixar revealed its plans for the production of Toy Story 5. “The concept is basically the […]
The Girl Boss’s Guide To Discussing Inception Without Ever Watching It
Ready for a movie that you’ll like as much as you hate condoms? Christopher Nolan’s cinematic masterpiece is beloved by film bros everywhere, and soon […]
Doctors Hate Her! Local Woman Says “AWOOGA” Instead Of “Ahhh” At Every Checkup
LOS ANGELES — Just this week, several Los Angeles doctors came forward to detail their uncomfortable experiences with local woman Riley Coyote, who says “AWOOGA” […]