Frank Ocean Overworked From Coachella Set, Announces Next 7 Year Hiatus
INDIO — After canceling his Coachella Weekend 2 set, Frank Ocean announced that he would be stepping away from the public eye for another 7 […]
Psych Major Offended At Suggestion Of Therapy
WESTWOOD – Although therapy is growing in popularity, a stigma still exists, and third-year psychology major Nellie Robinson is no exception. “Can you believe my […]
If You’re Reading This, You’re Probably Illiterate
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Jesus Oversleeps, Says Six More Weeks Until Easter
JERUSALEM — After failing to make an expected appearance on Easter Sunday, Jesus Christ of Nazareth announced this morning that Easter will not happen until […]
Timothée Chalamet Tells The Enabler Why He’s Dating Kylie Jenner
“Life is short, youth is fleeting, death comes for us all.”
“Radioactive” And 4 More Songs To Add To Your Gaming And/Or Sex Playlist
Hey guys, Harry from the Enabler here. If there are two things I was put into this world for, it’s video games and sex. After […]
The Westwood Enabler’s Advice For Freshmen
It’s Bruin Day, and campus is filled with prospective students considering their future at UCLA. If you do decide to go blue and gold, here […]
Hobbes Eats Calvin
CHAGRIN FALLS, OH.— Cartoonist Bill Watterson announced today that six-year-old cartoon star Calvin has been eaten by his tiger Hobbes. “Bet you thought my anthropomorphism […]
HBO Merges With Other Streaming Services To Form MaxCockMount+
BURBANK — Following the rebrand of HBO Max to just “Max,” Warner Bros. announced today that they will also be merging with the Peacock and […]
Man Who’ll Never Be Truly Happy Brags About Investment Banking Internship
WESTWOOD — Financial actuarial math major Belfan Jordort was spotted loudly bragging about his upcoming internship at Goldman Sachs, despite the fact that he has […]