Wow! This One Birth Control Pill Completely Annihilates God’s Plan
HEAVEN — Instead of being fruitful and increasing in number (Genesis 1:28), the humans that God created have found a way to subvert His plan […]
“Do You Want To Feel My Stress Hives?” And Other Exciting Conversation Starters To Get Out Of Working On Your Group Project
This fun icebreaker is sure to create a sense of camaraderie among the group members as well as make those bitches realize they need to […]
Uggo Alert! TA Not Hot Enough To Justify Attendance
WESTWOOD — UCLA student Brad Eckel-Honesty decided against regularly attending discussion this quarter after his TA was revealed to be a full-on uggo. “Looking at […]
Gene Block Joins Cast Of “Barbie” (2023)
MALIBU— UCLA students were starstruck on Tuesday when they saw Westwood’s own Gene Block in the trailer for the highly-anticipated film “Barbie” (2023). “Gene joined […]
“This Is Gonna Be My Quarter Fr,” Says Alumnus
WESTWOOD — Spring quarter began yesterday, and no one is more excited than the graduated Bruins still lingering around campus. “Man, I can’t wait to […]
BFIT Regulars Speak Out: You Really Thought We Weren’t Judging You?
BFIT — Second-year physiological science major Cardy O’Lover spoke to the Enabler last week after her 6 a.m. 10-mile sprint on the eco-friendly treadmill, and […]
Bruin Walk Empty, Bruin Bear Sheds Single Tear
BRUIN PLAZA — The moon shone brightly on Bruin Walk, illuminating a broody, steeping fog of silence up and down the bricks and leaves on […]
Weird! This Woman Has Legs For Days
ISLE OF MAN — Sources report that local woman Amy Fuller has got a real pair of stems on her. “I’ve seen a leg or […]
Opinion: Science Is Fake! The Same Water That “Carved The Grand Canyon” Can’t Flush My Poop Down This Toilet
We’ve all sat through the same boring eighth grade science class where they teach you about “erosion.” They say water flowed through some rocks and […]