L.A. Zoo Goes Climate Friendly, Announces “Planteater”
LOS ANGELES ZOO— In an attempt to reduce the human (and animal) impact on the climate and focus on sustainable energy, scientists at the Los […]
CBS Greenlights Young Young Sheldon
NEW YORK— CBS announced this morning the development of a spin-off of the hit spin-off “Young Sheldon,” to be titled “Young Young Sheldon.” “You spent […]
A Warm Hug, And 4 Other Things UCLA Dining Will Give You For 20 Swipes
Spring Break is almost upon us! It is finally that time of the quarter when underclassmen swap their remaining swipes for whatever is rolling around […]
Former Horse Girl Now Ketamine Addict
LOUISVILLE, K.Y.— Retired jockey and racehorse enthusiast Hannah Ryder has recently developed a horsey addiction to ketamine. “It started as a bonding activity with my […]
Opinion: To The Incoming Freshman Reading This: UCLA Let You In By Accident!
You’ve just “gotten in” to the #1 public university in the entire United States of America. Pretty soon, obnoxious people in your life are going […]
Opinion: Being Uncircumcised Is Bohemian
When I received my acceptance letter from UCLA, I was ecstatic to move to Los Angeles, the land of fruits and nuts. Unfortunately, I have […]
Bruin Bear And Cocaine Bear Elope
BOGOTA, COLUMBIA — Cocaine Bear and Joe Bruin tied the knot this weekend in Columbia, according to sources close to the couple. The nuptials were […]
Chipotle To Require Credit Check Before Adding Guac
WESTWOOD — Chipotle announced Tuesday that they will be partnering with Credit Karma to run expedited credit checks on all customers attempting to add guac […]
UCLA Spins Wheel Of Random Names To Pick Class Of 2027
WESTWOOD — UCLA announced Wednesday that they would be switching to a 100% chance admission system for the incoming class of 2027. “Our job is […]