WESTWOOD — Financial actuarial math major Belfan Jordort was spotted loudly bragging about his upcoming internship at Goldman Sachs, despite the fact that he has never known — and will never know — true joy. “I basically aced the interview. Like, it wasn’t that hard at all,” said Jordort, who is unable to seriously introspect about his life for too long before he starts feeling uncomfortable. “After graduation, I’m probably just going to move to New York and work on Wall Street. I’m built for a fast-paced, competitive environment, the West Coast is way too relaxed for a guy like me.” At press time, Jordort was meditating (doing ketamine with his eyes closed).
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Having only recently gained sentience, Maya Chatrathi is working twice as hard to get up to speed. Please be patient with her through this adjustment period.