Rival Dance Groups Enter “West Side Story”-Esque Feud Over Parking Lot 7
WESTWOOD — Last night, after the Planes and the Rays, two of UCLA’s 10,000 hip-hop dance groups, engaged in a standoff over who had the […]
Low-Hanging Fruit: Bad Comedian’s Balls Are Really Heavy
AUSTIN — After a joke asking the woke mob to ‘DEI these nutz’, unfunny comedian Matt Rifle felt the beans in his wrinkly scrotum swell […]
“Romance Movies Have No Plot” Says Guy Whose Romance Has Even Less Plot
Despite the fact this his current relationship is loveless and boring, Business Economics major Gustavo Hettro complained that his girlfriend’s choice of Pride and Prejudice […]
20 Dead, 3 Injured In Fight To Enroll In MATH 31B
WESTWOOD — 20 first-years have died trying to secure the last five MATH 31B lecture spots for the 2025 Spring quarter. “My thoughts and prayers […]
Douchebag Dogwhistle: Avoid Men Who Use The Phrase “Walkable Cities”
WESTWOOD — Disastrous reports from the Douchebag Research Institute (the minds that broke the Patagonia-vest epidemic and “being written by a woman”) claim that the […]
Quirky! Indie Kid Records Concert On 3DS
LOS ANGELES – While waiting for the Tyler, the Creator concert to begin, one indie kid made it his life’s mission to record the entire […]
Secretary Of State Successfully Names All 50
WASHINGTON, D.C. — At a press conference in the White House earlier today, Secretary of State Marco Rubio announced that he had successfully named all […]
Opinion: Red Flag? Green Flag? It’s Time To Wave The White Flag of Surrender
I see you, sitting there on some dating app. I know you desperately lingered in the Rocco’s line last weekend, hoping by the grace of […]
Opinion: If You’re Buying Valentine’s Day Gifts From The Hilltop Shop, You Don’t Deserve Your Girlfriend
Fellas – I know midterms are tough. I know it’s so hard to feel romantic in these trying times. I know you straight up forgot […]
All Hail! God-King Julio Frenk Ensures Only Correct Speech Allowed
Hear ye! Hear ye! Rejoice! For our powerful leader, Julio Frenk, has banned all wrong speech on campus. No more will we have to determine […]