Study: Legalized Dueling Would Cause Significant Reduction Of Stupid Population
CHICAGO, IL—Scientists at the University of Chicago have concluded a two-year long study that proves legalized dueling would be a highly effective method of reducing […]
Man Receives Prophecy From Different Gypsy Woman Than Usual
WESTWOOD–Local man Martin Thompson was surprised today when his daily prophecy was delivered to him by a different gypsy woman than usual. “Usually when I’m […]
Gary Johnson Announces He Running For President In 2018
ALBUQUERQUE—Former Governor of New Mexico Gary Johnson revealed today that he intends to run for president in 2018. “After a lot of thinking, it is […]
Heartwarming: This Constituent Donated His Balls To Paul Ryan
With President Trump in the White House and the country increasingly divided, here’s some heartwarming political news we can all feel good about: one of […]
TA Just Basking In Students’ Silence
WESTWOOD—Teaching Assistant Victoria Ivanov was reportedly just basking in students’ dumbfounded silence following a “vague question” in this week’s discussion for an upper-division political science […]
Cabo Prepares
CABO SAN LUCAS, MEXICO—In anticipation of rowdy Spring Break crowds, the resort town of Cabo San Lucas has begun to draft and implement a variety […]
That One Fucking Guy Raises Hand in Class Again
WESTWOOD–Claiming that this is the third or fourth time in class today and probably the tenth time this week, many students enrolled in 19th-Century American […]
Report: Headphone Volume No Match For Crunchy Chip
WESTWOOD—Area man Louis Miller reported on Monday that no matter how high he turned the volume of his earbuds, he could not overpower the sound […]
Mom Wants To Know What Ever Happened To Jonathan From High School
OXNARD, CA—Sources report that earlier this week, your mom wanted to know what ever happened to Jonathan from high school. “He was such a nice […]
Op-Ed: Thanks for the Fat Neck, Mom
Dear Mom, Thanks, I guess. Thanks for the fat neck. I really appreciate that out of all the things I could have inherited from you […]