Class Clown Hides In Sewers To Tell Jokes
WESTWOOD — UCLA second year and Pennywise wannabe, George Rogers, was found this morning coated in feces, peering through a sewer telling popsicle-stick jokes to […]
Local Nihilist Watches “Rick and Morty”
LOS ANGELES — Citing its sophisticated and nuanced references to Narodnaya literature, local nihilist Evan Sharp is a regular viewer of the Adult Swim cartoon […]
My Sons, Ranked
1. Lonzo Lonzo’s the biggest baller out there. He’s inherited my amazing basketball skills, and is going to win MVP every year he’s in the […]
Frustrated Driver In Parking Lot Wishes He Was Handicapped
WESTWOOD — Local driver Mike Thompson found himself wishing he was handicapped when he couldn’t find a space in the Saxon suites parking lot yesterday. […]
Harvey Weinstein Running For President
LOS ANGELES — Amid a flurry of sexual assault allegations, former producer Harvey Weinstein has announced he is running for president. “No one in the […]
All Our Good Guys With Guns Pretty Busy Last Night, NRA Says
LAS VEGAS, NV — After the deadliest mass shooting in American history occurred during a concert in Las Vegas, the NRA has reported that all […]
BREAKING: Katie Dropped From Theta
WESTWOOD — In an upset some are calling “once in a lifetime,” sources report that first-year Communications student Katie Moore has been dropped from Kappa […]
CEC Pledges To Figure Out How To Properly Distribute Tickets By 2020
WESTWOOD — In a statement released by the UCLA Campus Events Commission (CEC), the office’s Commissioner recognized the failure of the organization to properly distribute […]
Trump Accidentally Fires Self 200 Days In
WASHINTON, DC — Donald Trump, current President of the United States, accidentally fired himself on Monday, 200 days into his term, sources say. “In the […]