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P: Patrick Mahomes Has Been the Single Best Quarterback So Far this NFL Season / CP: His Voice Sounds Like a Frog

December 7, 2018 Drew Kreeft 0

Point: Patrick Mahomes Has Been the Single Best Quarterback So Far this NFL Season by BJ Kissel It really is an easy argument to make […]

Kid In Suit Jacket Goes Entire Lecture Without Volunteering His Opinion

December 7, 2018 Drew Muxlow 0

WESTWOOD — Early Tuesday morning, suit jacket-clad business economics-major Greg Whitfield went a full two hours in his psychology class without stating his beliefs on […]

Illuminati Holds Annual Pancake Breakfast Fundraiser

December 7, 2018 Brian McReynolds 0

OSSINING, NY – This past Sunday the Illuminati held their annual pancake breakfast fundraiser at the Louis Engel Community Center in Ossining, NY. “We hold […]

SAE’s Christmas Lights Almost Impressive Enough to Make You Forget About Those Sexual Assault Allegations

November 27, 2018 Nathan Glovinsky 0

WESTWOOD – In a dazzling display of holiday cheer, UCLA’s chapter of Sigma Alpha Epsilon (SAE) recently put up a Christmas decor ensemble that almost made […]

Punk Band Totally Fine With No One Showing Up to Their Show. No Really, They Are.

November 26, 2018 Griffin Stout 0

WESTWOOD – Following a local house show this weekend, punk rock band Anarchist Tendencies denied feeling heartbroken despite the fact that no one showed up […]

National Crisis Averted By New National Crisis

November 26, 2018 Max Flora 0

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Last week, the United States experienced a tragic event that altered the lives of many and was covered by every news outlet […]

J.K. Rowling Announces on Twitter that John Wooden is Gay

November 26, 2018 Alex Kukoff 0

WESTWOOD – Beloved fantasy author J.K. Rowling turned to Twitter this morning to announce that  deceased UCLA basketball coach John Wooden is gay. “I’m so […]

UCLA Student Not Photographer But Does Have iPhone With Portrait Mode

November 26, 2018 Matt Moldenhauer 0

WESTWOOD — Recent reports from the “UCLA Free & For Sale” Facebook page have indicated that third-year student Liz Samuels did not consider herself a photographer […]

Self-Proclaimed “Cool” Professor Overheats in Leather Jacket

November 24, 2018 Griffin Stout 0

WESTWOOD — Earlier this week, adjunct History professor Dennis Falsk fainted during an intense lecture on early Mesopotamian farming practices after refusing to take off […]

MISSING: Friend Who Said “We Should Hangout Sometime.”

November 24, 2018 Sam Mallari 0

WESTWOOD — Concerned acquaintances have filed a missing persons report for Allison Nguyen, who was last seen in passing in the dining halls after some […]

Posts pagination

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  • Math Professor Doesn’t Know That Half Of Ten Weeks Is Five Weeks

    WESTWOOD — This week, local math professor Dr. Ivil has come under fire after scheduling a midterm for Week 4, a week that is definitively […]

  • Stolen Goods Stolen From Place With Exclusively Stolen Goods

    PARIS — Parisian police officers were stunned to discover this weekend that priceless jewels were stolen from the Louvre, a place that exclusively houses priceless […]

  • BPlate Announces Collab With McDonald’s To Ensure Froyo Machine Breaks More Often

    WESTWOOD – In a surprise new development, BPlate has announced a partnership with the fast food chain McDonald’s to ensure that the froyo machine remains […]

  • Government Shutdown Finally Hits Canvas

    WESTWOOD — Students everywhere awoke this morning to the modern equivalent of snow outside their windows: Canvas has been shut down due to bipartisan gridlock. […]

  • Opinion: If You A Stressed Baddie Who Procrastinated Before Canvas Went Down, This One’s For You

Featured Authors

mm
Georgia McNeill
  • Antisemitism Is Over! Trump Administration Cuts Funding From Cancer Research
  • Top Four Ways To Come Out To Your Family So They Can’t Say No
  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes
Sam Rusk
  • Top 5 UCLA Study Spots If You Don’t Need Outlets, Wifi, Tables or Chairs
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style

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