Student Shocked to Find Dumbass at #1 Public University
WESTWOOD — Jaded first-year David Lewis recently concluded that his dream college, which touts itself as the hub of progressive minds and academic advancement, […]
Breaking: Netflix To Release New Original Series Set in the Eighties
LOS ANGELES — Popular streaming program Netflix has announced its new original project set in the Eighties. Showrunners Joseph and Joe Reiner expressed their […]
P: Men Are Born Free, And Everywhere He Is In Chains. CP: Do Yo Chain Hang Low And Wobble To Da Flow?
Point Men Are Born Free, And Everywhere He Is In Chains. By: Jean-Jacques Rousseau You may believe you are a free individual, but in reality, […]
Area Woman Slowly Decaying into Offbeat Wes Anderson Character
PORTLAND, OR — Close friends and family of area woman Ella Hartley report that Hartley’s personality has seemed to gradually dwindle into an amalgamation […]
Nigerian Princes Sue Yahoo! For Defamation
LAGOS — Former internet giant Yahoo! is facing a lawsuit from princes in Nigeria, who claim Yahoo!’s handling of the “Nigerian Prince” email scam has […]
Report: Dianne Feinstein Bullied By Senator As Child
WASHINGTON — Following a viral video last week that showed her bullying young children, a report has surfaced that Senator Dianne Feinstein (D – CA) […]
Barney’s Beanery Begins Weekly Mahjong Night
WESTWOOD — Citing the success of recurring weekly events like “Karaoke Night” and “Trivia Night,” the management of Barney’s Beanery announced last Monday that the […]
Classics Department Discovers Name of Victory Goddess “Nike” Just Short For “Nichael”
WESTWOOD — Following the discovery of a hidden vault in Athens, scholars of the renowned UCLA Department of Classics made a breakthrough concerning the “Winged […]
Op-Ed: John Wooden Statue Outside Pauley Pavilion Should Be Made of Wood
Every day during my walk down Bruinwalk from the Hill to campus, I see the statue of John Wooden outside Pauley Pavilion and look at […]
A$AP Rocky Changes Name To “Whenever’s Most Convenient” Rocky
LOS ANGELES — At 8:00 AM Monday morning, prolific Harlem rapper A$AP Rocky called a press conference to announce his new stage name: Whenever’s Most Convenient […]