WESTWOOD — Jaded first-year David Lewis recently concluded that his dream college, which touts itself as the hub of progressive minds and academic advancement, is not as full of cream-of-the-crop students as college ranking sites had advertised. “It’s like the longer I stay here, the more that I wish that I didn’t,” Lewis confessed, after lamenting how his contempt for others grows exponentially each day, thus stunting his own cognitive function and potential for success. “Slobs who forget to wipe down gym equipment, people who pedal electric scooters, everyone who uses Powell bathrooms. There’s not enough time to describe how all of you are a bubonic plague to this campus.” At press time, Lewis exited his interview by riding a Bird electric scooter straight into a crowded sidewalk at full speed.
