Capitol Hill Intern Excited To Finally “Call The Shots”
WESTWOOD — In a frank conversation last Tuesday during his lower-division PS40 discussion section, second-year political science major Jake O’Brien admitted he was looking forward […]
National
Jimmy Carter Hit By 18-Wheeler, Survives
PLAINS, GA — Early last morning, former President Jimmy Carter was struck by an 18-wheeler while prowling the streets for more turkeys before the end […]
Report: Uber Drivers Sentient Beings, Can Hear Your Conversations
WESTWOOD — A new study by the Semel Institute of Neuroscience produced findings which suggest that Uber drivers are sentient beings, and can hear your […]
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Report: Velma Lost Her Glasses In Rocco’s
WESTWOOD — UCPD has reported that Velma Dinkley, a member of the crime solving group Mystery Inc., filed a police report claiming that she lost […]
Rotting Mound Of Marine Life Newest SeaWorld Attraction
SAN DIEGO — SeaWorld sparked nationwide buzz last Friday after announcing that they would be unveiling a massive, festering mound of sea creatures choking on […]
New Presidential Candidate Suspiciously Reasonable
TUCSON — This Wednesday, a suspiciously reasonable politician declared their official candidacy in the race for the Democratic nomination in the presidential election of 2020. […]
Game Of Thrones Cancelled Halfway Through Final Episode
NEW YORK — Last night, the final episode of HBO’s hit fantasy series Game of Thrones was canceled halfway through its final episode. “It just seemed […]
Report: You’ve Read All Your Free Articles For This Month
WESTWOOD — Citing the paywall triggered after reading three articles in a given month, The Westwood Enabler reported that you have exhausted all of your […]
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Body Pillow Found In Basement Of Shapiro Residence
LOS ANGELES — Earlier this week a body pillow, otherwise known as a “dakimakura,” depicting U.S. Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was found in the basement of the […]