PLAINS, GA — Early last morning, former President Jimmy Carter was struck by an 18-wheeler while prowling the streets for more turkeys before the end of hunting season. Carter walked away from the crash unscathed.
“The way he was laying out flat like that, we thought we’d killed him for sure,” said the driver Mike Taylor while his brother and driving partner did a slow-motion reenactment of the events. “Turns out, he was just trying to get us to back up over him to see if he could take it again. We’ve never seen anything like it.”
Video footage of the event corroborates the men’s story, depicting President Carter being struck at break-neck speed after attempting to chase a turkey across the roadway. Carter appeared to be sucked down beneath the tires of the vehicle and shot out the back side, losing the majority of his clothing in the process.
“They thought they could break the Peanut King,” said Carter, still dressed in the surviving rags of his accident while looking out on the horizon with an unwavering gaze. “No one breaks the Peanut King. Your attacks only make him stronger.”
Carter wants citizens to know that he has no plans of leaving this earth anytime soon, despite any attempts, intentional or otherwise, on his life. He will also be abandoning turkey season in favor of the most dangerous game: human beings.