Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Body Pillow Found In Basement Of Shapiro Residence

Graphic by Isabelle Roy

LOS ANGELES — Earlier this week a body pillow, otherwise known as a “dakimakura,” depicting U.S. Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was found in the basement of the Shapiro Residence in Sherman Oaks, Los Angeles. “I have no idea how that got there,” tweeted Ben Shapiro, prominent conservative spokesperson and UCLA’s biggest regret. “That’s definitely not my body pillow. I hate Alexandria, especially her long onyx hair, confident demeanor, and soft caramel skin.” At press time, Los Angeles park rangers have reported a rising number of “BS + AOC = LOVE” carvings in a one mile radius surrounding Mr. Shapiro’s home.

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RIP Griffin Stout (1996-2023) Failed Comedy Writer and Pet Owner. RIP Bark Ruffalo (2007-2007)