WESTWOOD – When questioned about why they were lingering around campus this week, plainclothes Secret Service agents reiterated that they were just at UCLA to prepare for the 2028 Olympics three years early, even though they could have come at literally any other time. “Some have rightly raised an eyebrow over us guarding Olympic Hall like it’s an El Salvadoran prison. However, our beautiful leader President Trump ordered us here because he supports all sports, even though none of them could compare to golf’s sheer physical intensity,” said Special Agent Corr Rupt, installing a camera in Andre’s cap to track students wearing keffiyehs. “We just want to make sure we can put undisputed GOATs like Katie Ledecky and that little gymnastics twink with the glasses where they belong–in classic triples. It’s totally chill! No need to look into it.” At press time, Agent Rupt was seen escorting students eating dining hall watermelon into an unmarked black SUV.
