Rock Bottom Student Grudgingly Joins Christian Fellowship
WESTWOOD—Surrendering himself to a life of chipper pamphlet distribution, Biology major Alex Kim reportedly joined a Christian fellowship group on campus after being seduced by […]
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Area Man Worried Waiter Should Have Written Down Order
LOS ANGELES—While dining at a local restaurant with several friends on Monday, area man Greg Johnson became increasingly worried when the waiter did not write […]
Report: Dog Racist
LOS GATOS, CA—Local dog owner Elizabeth Juarez was stunned to learn her dog, an Australian Shepherd named Sandwich, is racist. “At first I thought he […]
Report: Fuck, It’s Bruin Day
WESTWOOD – Sources have reported that it’s Bruin Day. Fuck. “God, is that this weekend?” asked senior Jason Marcus. “Christ. It’s like, whoopdy-fucking-doo, you were […]
Report: Xanax Makes m y hannds FEel incrwdible
WESTWOOOSD—A recent report confirmed that taking one dose of Xanax can mAke my entnire hands nd t he Fingerss too feel reallly good. “Hoooo it;s […]
Oblivious Dance Marathon Participant Still Going Strong
WESTWOOD— Unaware that Dance Marathon ended four days ago, third-year communications student Tyler Durham is still up and on his feet dancing in Pauly Pavilion […]
Gary Johnson Announces He Running For President In 2018
ALBUQUERQUE—Former Governor of New Mexico Gary Johnson revealed today that he intends to run for president in 2018. “After a lot of thinking, it is […]
TA Just Basking In Students’ Silence
WESTWOOD—Teaching Assistant Victoria Ivanov was reportedly just basking in students’ dumbfounded silence following a “vague question” in this week’s discussion for an upper-division political science […]
Cabo Prepares
CABO SAN LUCAS, MEXICO—In anticipation of rowdy Spring Break crowds, the resort town of Cabo San Lucas has begun to draft and implement a variety […]
Tearful Jeff Sessions Puts Cheburashka Doll In Storage
WASHINGTON—Attorney General Jeff Sessions burst into tears today while hiding his Cheburashka plush doll in the bottom of a plastic storage container, anonymous White House […]