Last Chunk Of Pet Hamster Still Stuck In Roomba
LOS ANGELES — The last remaining chunk of Muffin, a local dwarf hamster, is still stuck in a Roomba belonging to area woman Janine Ordonez. […]
Articles by Jasmine Don
Study: Fetuses’ Chakras Visible On Ultrasound At 10 Weeks
BALTIMORE — A recent Johns Hopkins University study concluded that prenatal ultrasounds can detect fetuses’ chakras as early as ten weeks into pregnancy. “Our findings […]
Graduating Senior Unknowingly Makes Last New Friend Ever
WESTWOOD—Graduating senior Danielle Rojas unknowingly made her last new friend ever when she befriended fellow student Allison Yang last Thursday. “She’s pretty chill, I guess,” […]
Study: 87% Of LA Middle Schoolers Currently In Ackerman A-Level
WESTWOOD — Nearly 87% of children attending middle school in L.A. are currently standing around in Ackerman A-Level, according to a recent study conducted by […]
Area Man Can’t Tell If Pain “Burning” Or “Stabbing”
LOS ANGELES—This Tuesday, area man Oliver Howard reportedly had trouble determining if the pain in his lower abdomen was more of a “burning” or “stabbing” […]
Report: Xanax Makes m y hannds FEel incrwdible
WESTWOOOSD—A recent report confirmed that taking one dose of Xanax can mAke my entnire hands nd t he Fingerss too feel reallly good. “Hoooo it;s […]
Tearful Jeff Sessions Puts Cheburashka Doll In Storage
WASHINGTON—Attorney General Jeff Sessions burst into tears today while hiding his Cheburashka plush doll in the bottom of a plastic storage container, anonymous White House […]
Big Win For Mouthfeel! This Merlot Is Tannic And Velvety
Good news, mouthfeel lovers! The Edna Valley 2013 Merlot is tannic and velvety. Its deep, chewy tannins and smooth, opulent body make for a wonderfully […]
Body Positivity! This 8th Grader Drew Boobs On His Chem Textbook
Despite major strides made by #FreeTheNipple and other gender equality campaigns, the female body is still constantly viewed as a sexual object. Though male and […]
Area Woman Takes Break From Work Anxiety To Enjoy Social Anxiety
LOS ANGELES—Local woman Gina Adler attended a party this past weekend to take a break from her usual work-related anxiety and spend more time on […]