TA Can’t Wait To Mansplain Chemistry To Female Students
WESTWOOD—New Chemistry 144 teaching assistant Christian Lopez reportedly cannot wait to mansplain chemistry to his female students.“It’s tough to be…
Last Chunk Of Pet Hamster Still Stuck In Roomba
LOS ANGELES—The last remaining chunk of Muffin, a local dwarf hamster, is still stuck in a Roomba belonging to area…
Woman Unsure If Working Out An Act of Self-Love or Self-Hate
DENVER—Considering her many different emotions regarding working out, area woman Colleen Simpson stated that she was unsure whether she thinks…
Study: Fetuses’ Chakras Visible On Ultrasound At 10 Weeks
BALTIMORE—A recent Johns Hopkins University study concluded that prenatal ultrasounds can detect fetuses’ chakras as early as ten weeks into…
Alex Jones Announces “InfoWars: On Ice!”
NEW YORK—Well-known performance artist Alex Jones announced today that he will be taking his conspiracy peddling radio show to Madison…
Graduating Senior Unknowingly Makes Last New Friend Ever
WESTWOOD—Graduating senior Danielle Rojas unknowingly made her last new friend ever when she befriended fellow student Allison Yang last Thursday….
Op-Ed: Wonder Woman Should Smile More
When I first heard that DC was making a Wonder Woman movie, I was skeptical. Some of the best super…
Shapiro Fountain Now Just Champagne
WESTWOOD—In the wake of graduation photo shoots, oceanographers confirm that the Shapiro Fountain near Royce Hall is now just flowing…
Area Douchebag Reminds Trump “Pulling Out” Least Reliable Method
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the wake of President Donald Trump’s decision to withdraw the United States from the Paris Climate…
Western Wall Grabbed By the Crevice
JERUSALEM — On May 22, one of the holiest sites of the Abrahamic religions was allegedly accosted by a visiting…