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Op-Ed: Every Morning I Wake Up And Go To War

May 20, 2019 Jared from ROTC 0

What are you doing at 4:00 in the morning? Most of UCLA is either asleep, hungover like degenerate civilians, or having sex without giving a […]

Gene Block Mentioned 26 Times In Mueller Report For Some Reason

April 18, 2019 Jack Lyons 0

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s final report on his team’s investigation into potential links between the Trump campaign and Moscow was made public […]

Ted Lieu Voted Sexiest Man Alive By Bruin Democrats

February 12, 2019 Jack Lyons 0

WESTWOOD — At the club’s most recent policy meeting, members of Bruin Democrats unanimously voted California Representative Ted Lieu the “sexiest man alive,” the group’s […]

Arby’s Always An Option, Reports Area Dad

January 27, 2019 Jack Lyons 0

BAKERSFIELD — Glancing at the “Food: Exit 25” sign on the side of CA State Route 99, area father and Carlson family patriarch Neal Carlson reminded his […]

LGBTQ Center’s Free Printing Jeopardizes Straight Man’s Heterosexual Reputation

January 27, 2019 Mackenzi Elias 0

WESTWOOD — Red Bull Campus Ambassador Colin Greene was seen lingering an appropriate fifteen feet outside of the UCLA LGBTQ Center, contemplating whether he should enter the […]

Report: Cool Kids Smoke Cigarettes Again?

January 27, 2019 Hannah Page 0

WESTWOOD — After nearly 60 years of steadily declining cigarette usage in the United States, a a study conducted by the UCLA Department of Sociology has confirmed […]

Breaking: Professor Enters Classroom With Saxophone

January 27, 2019 Nathan Grovhoug 0

WESTWOOD, 10:07 a.m. — Westwood Enabler reporters have obtained disturbing reports from campus administration that a professor has entered the Boelter Hall amphitheatre with a […]

TA Can’t Wait To Mansplain Chemistry To Female Students

June 10, 2017 Hannah Page 0

WESTWOOD—New Chemistry 144 teaching assistant Christian Lopez reportedly cannot wait to mansplain chemistry to his female students.“It’s tough to be a woman in STEM these […]

Last Chunk Of Pet Hamster Still Stuck In Roomba

June 10, 2017 Jasmine Don 0

LOS ANGELES — The last remaining chunk of Muffin, a local dwarf hamster, is still stuck in a Roomba belonging to area woman Janine Ordonez. […]

Woman Unsure If Working Out An Act of Self-Love or Self-Hate

June 10, 2017 Hannah Page 0

DENVER — Considering her many different emotions regarding working out, area woman Colleen Simpson stated that she was unsure whether she thinks of exercising as an […]

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