Report: Cool Kids Smoke Cigarettes Again?
WESTWOOD — After nearly 60 years of steadily declining cigarette usage in the United States, a a study conducted by the UCLA Department of Sociology has confirmed […]
Articles by Hannah Page
Professors Collaborate To Ruin Josh’s Life
WESTWOOD — In an impressive display of teamwork, three UCLA professors collaborated specifically to ruin Josh’s life. “Both Professor [Julian] Wakeman and Professor [Rosa] Mohamed […]
First-Year Nervous About Appearing Happy This Parents Weekend
WESTWOOD — Days before UCLA’s upcoming Parents Weekend, first-year student Nathaniel Berns announced that he was feeling nervous about appearing happy during his parents’ upcoming […]
Area Woman Just Loves Bread
WESTWOOD—During her weekly night out with her three best girlfriends last Thursday, area woman Makenna Donahue proudly proclaimed that she just loves bread. “I was […]
Report: Freshman Has Sophomore Standing
WESTWOOD — In an impressive display of power, first-year UCLA student Alana Kendrick announced last Tuesday that, despite the fact that it is her first […]
Westwood Gets Another Pizza Place, For Some Reason
WESTWOOD — Westwood residents were not that excited last week when a new pizza place, KONY Pizzeria, opened up around the corner from the FOX […]
BREAKING: We Have The Meats
FLAVORTOWN, USA—Sources, those sources being your mother #$&%@$@ tastebuds, man, report that fast food chain and purveyor of carnivorous atrocities Arby’s does, in fact, […]
Op-Ed: “Can I Go Back To The Wild Yet?”
Friends, I am experiencing a full-blown identity crisis. I have been serving the UCLA community for the last ten years. I did not do it […]
Report: You Probably Won’t Finish That Paper Early
WESTWOOD — After much deliberation, sources close to you recently reported that, no, you probably won’t finish that paper early. “I know you’re going away […]
Student Gives Series Of Lap Dances While Climbing To Seat In Lecture Hall
WESTWOOD—Straddling dozens of students while shimmying his way through the lecture hall’s middle aisle, third year anthropology major Deven McFarlene gave a series of lap […]