Report: You Probably Won’t Finish That Paper Early

WESTWOOD — After much deliberation, sources close to you recently reported that, no, you probably won’t finish that paper early. “I know you’re going away the weekend before it is due and you want to get it off your plate, but let’s be real, I’ve seen the way you study. You can barely get things in one hour past their due date. There’s no way you’re finishing this one early,” said Savannah Price, your roommate of three years, after carefully analyzing your heavy course load this quarter and your scheduled extracurricular activities. “I mean no disrespect, but let’s be realistic here–you’re not going to finish it before you go, you’re going to write all ten pages during your two hour flight and then ask a stranger to give you a WiFi hotspot so you can submit it when you land. You know this as well as I do.” After the announcement, you were reportedly found attempting to start your paper by rereading the prompt very, very carefully for several hours.