Newsom Adds Tinder Hookups To Phase Two Of Reopening
SACRAMENTO, CA — In today’s daily coronavirus briefing about reopening California, Governor Gavin Newsom announced that Phase Two, which involves the reopening of businesses such […]
Articles by Mackenzi Elias
Feminist Hero Comments “OMG!!!” On Female Acquaintance’s Instagram Photo
LOS ANGELES — In the name of advancing women’s equality, feminist hero Serena Colli commented “OMG!!!” on a female acquaintance’s photo. “I don’t even know […]
Bald Eagle Buys Wig
ROCKPORT, WA — Visitors at the Skagit River Bald Eagle Interpretive Center report spotting a bald eagle flying near the Center wearing a fashionable wig. […]
Drunk Area Woman Reverses Stance on Cigarettes
PORTLAND — After a former public record of speaking out against her peers’ use of cigarettes, area woman Cheyenne Rhodes appeared to have flip-flopped on […]
Screenshot Of Class Planner Still Screensaver
WESTWOOD — A glance at Bryan McPhee’s severely cracked phone screen from the girl sitting next to him in class has concluded that, despite it being […]
Burt Fires Bees In Mass Company Layoffs
DURHAM, NC — According to a statement made this morning from cosmetic company Burt’s Bees Chief Executive Officer, Burt, the company will be issuing mass layoffs […]
Op-Ed: PAC Shirts Should Be Brighter
I have a lot of respect for the Pediatric Aids Coalition (PAC). Its cause — researching a cure for pediatric HIV/AIDS — is extremely noble, […]
P: Men Are Born Free, And Everywhere He Is In Chains. CP: Do Yo Chain Hang Low And Wobble To Da Flow?
Point Men Are Born Free, And Everywhere He Is In Chains. By: Jean-Jacques Rousseau You may believe you are a free individual, but in reality, […]
Area Woman Slowly Decaying into Offbeat Wes Anderson Character
PORTLAND, OR — Close friends and family of area woman Ella Hartley report that Hartley’s personality has seemed to gradually dwindle into an amalgamation […]
On-Campus Burlington Coat Factory to Replace John Wooden Center
WESTWOOD — In a statement made this week by Gregg Goldman, Vice Chancellor and CFO of UCLA, it was announced that the campus’s entire John […]