On-Campus Burlington Coat Factory to Replace John Wooden Center

Graphic by Sara Pearson

WESTWOOD — In a statement made this week by Gregg Goldman, Vice Chancellor and CFO of UCLA, it was announced that the campus’s entire John Wooden Center is to be converted into an on-campus Burlington Coat Factory by the end of the 2018/2019 school year. “As an administrative board, we’ve decided that the John Wooden facility is no longer central to UCLA’s value system and mission statement. We’ve instead directed our motives as a university to providing high quality parkas, ski jackets, wool coats, down coats, fleece jackets, leather jackets, faux leather jackets, pea-coats, long coats, and puffer coats to the Westwood community at 65% of their retail price.” Goldman said to an extremely shocked and confused student body, who just want to work out. “We sincerely believe that the convenience of access to affordable, high quality external wear outweighs the benefits of having a fully equipped gym on campus. We appreciate the UCLA student body for cooperating with our noble crusade, so much so that we have arranged for every UCLA student to receive a 5% off voucher off their first Burlington Coat purchase. You’re welcome!” The UCLA Burlington Coat Factory is set to open its doors sometime in May 2019, and is alleged to have a large section dedicated to Burlington Gym-Wear.

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