Kerckhoff to Begin Marketing New “Adderall Blend”

Graphic by Sara Pearson

WESTWOOD — In light of declining sales for their signature cold brew coffee beverage last quarter, Kerckhoff Coffee House has begun testing a marketing campaign for a new blend which utilizes a unique blend of both espresso and stimulants. “We figured it isn’t technically illegal because one of our baristas has a prescription,” said Kerckhoff Coffeehouse Representative Jimmy Walters in a press conference earlier this week. “Many of those that participated in the trial described its mouth feel as that of a gentler alternative to cocaine. While it is definitely not meth per se, our alternative brings an absolutely addictive twist to our traditional brew, but in a legal yet tasty way.” At press time, the Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) announced its scheduled visit to check out the “new brew” later this week.