DURHAM, NC — According to a statement made this morning from cosmetic company Burt’s Bees Chief Executive Officer, Burt, the company will be issuing mass layoffs of its main labor source – bees – and will instead be opting for human methods of production.
The company’s announcement came as a shock to the millions of bees employed by Burt, who have worked tirelessly since the company’s inception in 1984 to produce natural beeswax lip balm, skin creams, and other personal care products.
“I’m outraged, to say the least. This goes against the integrity of a company my family has been an integral part of for the past 30 years. Do they honestly think humans will be able to produce the same quality of product we do? What are they going to do, change the name to Burt’s Humans?” former Burt’s Bees bee employee buzzed. “I have a hive to build, a Queen Bee to protect. I don’t know what I’m going to do at this time, but Burt will definitely be hearing from our lawyers,” she added.
A copy of Burt’s Bees’ profit report from the past year shows that the company suffers drastic financial losses annually due to its unusual employment practices of hiring actual bees. CEO Burt speculates that profit suffers due to the slow production rate at which bees can physically operate, because they are bees. “Their tiny bodies and lack of opposable thumbs make them an extremely inefficient source of labor,” Burt responded when asked to comment. “If you’re sick of paying five dollars for lip balm, then you should support this decision.”
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) has publicly spoken out against Burt’s Bees decision in a plea against the employment discrimination of animals. “Insects are employees too. It’s disgusting that we let greedy human corporations disrespect the universal right to work of all animals,” it said in its official statement. “We’ll do whatever we can do serve these bees the justice and equality they deserve.”
Despite backlash, CEO Burt still defends his ‘War on Bees’, as PETA has begun dubbing it, and layoffs will commence next month. If you or a loved one are a bee who will be affected, Bee Displacement Programs are available at your local welfare office.