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Month: May 2019

BREAKING: Classmate Said “Zeitgeist”

May 27, 2019 Han Singer 0

WESTWOOD — At 10:33 A.M. today, according to reports, fourth year philosophy major Nathan Braz said “zeitgeist” in a class discussion. Sources stated that the […]

Iceberg Unhappy With Portrayal In Titanic

May 22, 2019 Carl Hatch 0

ARCTIC CIRCLE — Last week, Paramount Pictures received a complaint from the iceberg that sank the RMS Titanic, stating dissatisfaction with its cameo in James Cameron’s […]

New Presidential Candidate Suspiciously Reasonable

May 22, 2019 Max Flora 0

TUCSON — This Wednesday, a suspiciously reasonable politician declared their official candidacy in the race for the Democratic nomination in the presidential election of 2020. […]

Op-Ed: It Bugs Me How Wife Squeezes Toothpaste At Middle of Tube, Cheats On Me With Ten People At A Time

May 22, 2019 Han Singer 0

Nothing grinds my gears more than when I walk into the bathroom, grab my toothbrush, turn on the faucet, and pivot left to see my […]

Game Of Thrones Cancelled Halfway Through Final Episode

May 20, 2019 Grace Johnston-Glick 0

NEW YORK — Last night, the final episode of HBO’s hit fantasy series Game of Thrones was canceled halfway through its final episode. “It just seemed […]

White Man With Brown Hair Does Improv

May 20, 2019 Nathan Glovinsky 0

LOS ANGELES — Sources confirmed earlier last week that a local white man with brown hair does, in fact, perform improvisational comedy. “Yes and,” said […]

Op-Ed: Every Morning I Wake Up And Go To War

May 20, 2019 Jared from ROTC 0

What are you doing at 4:00 in the morning? Most of UCLA is either asleep, hungover like degenerate civilians, or having sex without giving a […]

Freshman Drops Stack Of Plates In Dining Hall, Transfers Out

May 20, 2019 Natalie Epstein 0

WESTWOOD — After dropping four plates and a glass of water in Bruin Plate while walking to put his dishes away, first-year physiological science major Andy […]

Screenshot Of Class Planner Still Screensaver

May 20, 2019 Mackenzi Elias 0

WESTWOOD — A glance at Bryan McPhee’s severely cracked phone screen from the girl sitting next to him in class has concluded that, despite it being […]

Macron Calls To Congratulate USAC President-Elect

May 6, 2019 Jamie Atlas 0

PARIS — When news of Friday’s undergraduate student council election results reached across the Atlantic, French President Emmanuel Macron rushed to be the first to […]

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