Ruth Bader Ginsburg To Embark On Quest For Immortality
WASHINGTON, D. C. — After learning that President Donald Trump will be appointing another Supreme Court Justice, Ruth Bader Ginsburg has announced that she will […]
Articles by Nathan Glovinsky
Nancy Pelosi Had Relaxing Weekend Screaming Into Abyss
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After working around the clock to oppose the Republican party’s legislative agenda, sources close to minority leader Nancy Pelosi say she had […]
Submission: Gelato Way Better Over There
Hi there! It’s me, your friend who studied abroad in Rome over Winter Quarter. Listen, I don’t want to sound like a cliché, but Study […]
Local Roommate’s Tinder No Longer Ironic
WESTWOOD — Earlier this week, area woman Becca Corkin officially changed her stance on the nature of her roommate’s Tinder usage. “I think it started […]
Report: Dishes Still There
WESTWOOD — According to a recent scientific study published by your roommates, findings verified that your dishes are still there. “After observing empirical data and […]
Ackerman’s Gas Leak Heard by Everyone in Gym Class
WESTWOOD — Profusely denying any wrongdoing, Ackerman Union is alleged to have let out a little gas during seventh period PE this afternoon. “It was […]
Area Mom Tired
SPRINGFIELD, IL — After another monotonous week of organizing carpool and running errands around town, area mom Linda Milken earnestly revealed that she was tired. […]
Women’s March Attendee Too Busy To Vote in Ten Months
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources report that area woman Rebecca Hanson, who proudly attended the Jan. 20 D.C. Women’s March to protest President Donald Trump’s administration, […]
Seasoned Hydroflask Awarded Purple Heart Sticker
ANNAPOLIS, MD — After recovering from a recent drop onto concrete, a local Hyrdoflask was bestowed the prestigious “Purple Heart” sticker for its heroism and […]
Strange Feeling Inside America’s Gut Diagnosed as Hope
BIRMINGHAM, AL — After seeing Democratic candidate Doug Jones defeat Republican Roy Moore in the Alabama senate special election today, the nation was diagnosed with […]