Study: Schrodinger’s Cat Feels Dead and Alive, Experts Diagnose Depression
BERLIN — In a groundbreaking study, a coalition of physicists and mental health experts have designated the simultaneous dead and alive condition of Schrodinger’s Cat […]
Articles by Carl Hatch
Iceberg Unhappy With Portrayal In Titanic
ARCTIC CIRCLE — Last week, Paramount Pictures received a complaint from the iceberg that sank the RMS Titanic, stating dissatisfaction with its cameo in James Cameron’s […]
New Clothing Brand “Supremer” To Cater To Hyperbeasts
FAIRFAX DISTRICT — Last weekend, hundreds of self-proclaimed not hypebeasts, but “Hyper-Beasts,” lined up by a Melrose storefront in anticipation of new clothing brand “Supremer,” unaffiliated […]
New Anti-Homeless Benches Just Giant Metal Spikes
LOS ANGELES — In response to increasing numbers of homeless people, city officials yesterday finished the first installation of their project to redesign anti-homeless benches, […]
YRL Mountain Lion Diverts Attention From Powell Cat
WESTWOOD — After a mountain lion was noticed taking residence in the bushes adjacent to Young Research Library (YRL), many students have taken to the […]
Public Affairs Professor’s Mistresses Make Affairs Public
WESTWOOD — Last week, adjunct Public Affairs professor Nathan Bradley was surprised mid-lecture when his mistresses stormed into the hall and publicly announced his many […]
Area Man Doesn’t Skate, Dies
LOS ANGELES — Yesterday, area man John Thacher dropped dead moments after his condemnation of skateboards, not taking heed of the ramifications indicated by the […]
Nigerian Princes Sue Yahoo! For Defamation
LAGOS — Former internet giant Yahoo! is facing a lawsuit from princes in Nigeria, who claim Yahoo!’s handling of the “Nigerian Prince” email scam has […]
Classics Department Discovers Name of Victory Goddess “Nike” Just Short For “Nichael”
WESTWOOD — Following the discovery of a hidden vault in Athens, scholars of the renowned UCLA Department of Classics made a breakthrough concerning the “Winged […]
Op-Ed: John Wooden Statue Outside Pauley Pavilion Should Be Made of Wood
Every day during my walk down Bruinwalk from the Hill to campus, I see the statue of John Wooden outside Pauley Pavilion and look at […]