New Presidential Candidate Suspiciously Reasonable

TUCSON — This Wednesday, a suspiciously reasonable politician declared their official candidacy in the race for the Democratic nomination in the presidential election of 2020. “This candidate hasn’t said anything yet that really pisses me off or gives me the impression that they’ve never had any real problems,” said undecided voter Betty Bolero, scrolling through news articles to find literally anything. “They haven’t even made a minor verbal slip-up causing extensive coverage by major news outlets.” At press time, the candidate attended an interview answering questions only about policy and qualifications.