WESTWOOD, 10:07 a.m. — Westwood Enabler reporters have obtained disturbing reports from campus administration that a professor has entered the Boelter Hall amphitheatre with a saxophone. A campus-wide order to shelter in place has been issued.
WESTWOOD, 10:09 a.m. — Social media confirms that Dr. Richard Glenny, or “The Blowhole,” came into his class wielding an unregistered saxophone. “I’m safe, but I don’t know for how long,” said student Gloria Sanchez in an emotional text to her mother. “He says he’s in an ensemble with two other faculty members, but they’re running late. He’s going to keep running through scales until they show up.” Campus police hope to keep the ensemble members separate to prevent any sort of vibe from forming between them.
WESTWOOD, 10:20 a.m. — Police have evacuated Boelter Hall and surrounding buildings, setting up a cordon a half mile in diameter around the Boelter Amphitheatre. One of Dr. Glenny’s suspected accomplices, Dr. Andrew Spencer, was apprehended in a parking structure with a trumpet hidden underneath his coat. Authorities have searched Spencer’s car and found three claves, one flute, two clarinets, and a bag of over three hundred extra reeds.
WESTWOOD, 10:32 a.m. — Glenny continues to run through scales, unresponsive to police attempts to make contact. Police pursued the suspect thought to be the third ensemble member, Dr. Dan Hu, to his residence in Santa Monica, where he has blockaded himself in with a cache of thirteen trombones.
WESTWOOD, 10:45 a.m. — Students in the ampitheatre are safe and Glenny is in police custody after Anna Russo incapacitated Glenny by playing a high C with a concealed piccolo strapped to her hip. Russo said she carries the piccolo with her everywhere after she and a friend were robbed walking down Sunset a year ago.
WESTWOOD, 11:02 a.m. — Standoff at residence of Dr. Dan Hu ended when they played John Coltrane’s Giant Steps through their car loudspeakers, allowing police to enter the home and take him without conflict as he struggled to take note of all the key changes.
WESTWOOD, 12:01 p.m. — Shelter in place order lifted. Police request students and staff to leave campus for the day. A search of Glenny’s home revealed he was constructing a home-made timpani from parts bought with cash through Craigslist. Additionally, many of his instruments for his planned performance were bought off the record when he visited the 2018 Los Angeles Bad Brass convention.