New York Times Endorses Festering Corpse Of George McGovern For President
NEW YORK — The New York Times editorial board made the unexpected choice Sunday to endorse George McGovern, failed 1972 presidential candidate and rotting corpse, […]
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BREAKING: Classmate Said “Zeitgeist”
WESTWOOD — At 10:33 A.M. today, according to reports, fourth year philosophy major Nathan Braz said “zeitgeist” in a class discussion. Sources stated that the […]
Student Who Never Went To Class Takes Grad Pics On Campus
WESTWOOD — Amy Allens, fourth-year English student and soon-to-be UCLA alumna, took to Instagram to unveil her array of graduation pictures, poetically taken in front […]
YRL Mountain Lion Diverts Attention From Powell Cat
WESTWOOD — After a mountain lion was noticed taking residence in the bushes adjacent to Young Research Library (YRL), many students have taken to the […]
Ninth Circle Of Hell Just Murphy Hall
VATICAN CITY — At a recent papal summit, Pope Francis confirmed that Murphy Hall lies within the boundaries of Hell’s most treacherous and damning circle. “You might […]
Breaking: Professor Enters Classroom With Saxophone
WESTWOOD, 10:07 a.m. — Westwood Enabler reporters have obtained disturbing reports from campus administration that a professor has entered the Boelter Hall amphitheatre with a […]
P: It Is Our Duty To Pick Up Fallen Bird Scooters / CP: No
P: It Is Our Duty To Pick Up Fallen Bird Scooters By Edgar Montgomery Smith As residents of Westwood, it is our collective responsibility to […]
Professors Collaborate To Ruin Josh’s Life
WESTWOOD — In an impressive display of teamwork, three UCLA professors collaborated specifically to ruin Josh’s life. “Both Professor [Julian] Wakeman and Professor [Rosa] Mohamed […]
Occasional Affirmation Just Enough To Sustain Professor/Student Fantasy
WESTWOOD — An offhand affirmation recently imparted by UCLA biochemistry professor Keith Abrams to one of his students was just enough to sustain the delusional fantasy […]