It’s never easy to tell your kids that mommy and daddy are getting a divorce. Between the tears, the pleas for reconciliation, and a lawsuit which alleges you have a micropenis (just me?), breaking the news to your loved ones is a major difficulty. Here are five foolproof ways to break the news gently to your little bundles of joy.
1. “Hey, you guys remember how Cinderella and Prince Charming got married? Mommy and I are doing the opposite of that.”
2. “This is not your fault, but mommy and I are ending our partnership due to creative differences. Also erectile dysfunction.”
3. “Good news, you guys! Two Christmases from here on out if mommy’s not too busy fucking the tennis instructor!”
4. “Mommy and I have decided to divorce. We cannot, in good conscience, continue to be married when siblings in this country don’t yet have that right.”
5. And, the classic: “Guess what mommy and I are doing tomorrow! I’ll give you a hint: it rhymes with schmivorce.”