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Articles by Brian McReynolds

Study: The Average Person Has Eight Spiders Crawl Into Their Mouth During Sex Every Single Year

March 2, 2019 Brian McReynolds 0

RICHMOND, VA — A recent study commissioned by the American Arachnological Society (AAS) confirmed that an average of eight spiders crawl into a person’s mouth […]

Ralph Northam Assures Public Blackface Photo Actually Super Funny

February 6, 2019 Brian McReynolds 0

RICHMOND, VA — After Virginia Governor Ralph Northam was accused of wearing blackface in an old yearbook photo, the embattled politician has assured an angry public that […]

War On Christmas Death Toll Climbs to 7,000

December 24, 2018 Brian McReynolds 0

WASHINGTON, DC — After Gretchen Vandermint suffered a massive heart attack when a passerby wished her a happy holiday, the War on Christmas has officially claimed […]

Study: 87% of People Find Their Soulmate at Rocco’s

December 13, 2018 Brian McReynolds 0

WESTWOOD — A study conducted by the UCLA Department of Sociology concluded that 87% of people find their soulmate at Rocco’s Tavern in Westwood. “After interviewing […]

Frat Boy’s Jokes About Hazing Getting Weirdly Specific

December 7, 2018 Brian McReynolds 0

WESTWOOD – According to multiple sources, recent “jokes” made by first-year student and fraternity member Mark Prescott about the pledging process have become strangely specific. […]

Illuminati Holds Annual Pancake Breakfast Fundraiser

December 7, 2018 Brian McReynolds 0

OSSINING, NY – This past Sunday the Illuminati held their annual pancake breakfast fundraiser at the Louis Engel Community Center in Ossining, NY. “We hold […]

Kavanaugh Drinks Seventeen Glasses Of Wine To Cope With Investigation Announcement

September 30, 2018 Brian McReynolds 0

WASHINGTON, DC — After hearing that FBI will be investigating the sexual assault allegation against him, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh drank 17 glasses of […]

“My Patronus Is A Lion” Says Woman Who Doesn’t Know Her Social Security Number

May 20, 2018 Brian McReynolds 0

DOVER, NJ — Area woman Karen Schindler informed multiple people today that her patronus was a lion, despite being unable to recall her social security […]

Study: Discarded USAC Flyers Make Up Majority of Great Pacific Garbage Patch

May 9, 2018 Brian McReynolds 0

PACIFIC OCEAN — A study performed by the UCLA Department of Atmospheric and Oceanic Sciences found that the Great Pacific Garbage Patch is primarily composed […]

Bruin Democrats Release Diss Track Denouncing Kanye West

April 26, 2018 Brian McReynolds 0

WESTWOOD — Following Kanye West’s reiteration of his support for President Donald Trump on Twitter this week, Bruin Democrats at UCLA swiftly denounced the rapper’s political […]

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