OSSINING, NY – This past Sunday the Illuminati held their annual pancake breakfast fundraiser at the Louis Engel Community Center in Ossining, NY. “We hold many fundraisers throughout the year, but the pancake breakfast is always my favorite,” said a man dressed in hooded, blood-red robes who would only go by the name Xanadar. “There’s nothing better than spending a Sunday morning with your pals and enjoying some warm, buttery flapjacks. Now, who wants seconds!” said Xanadar, the man single-handedly responsible for orchestrating recent financial crises in Greece, Italy, and Portugal. The proceeds of the fundraiser will be put towards maintaining the Illuminati’s ironclad grip over the world’s governments, economies, religions, and media companies, in addition to covering the costs of pancake batter and maple syrup incurred by the event.