Study: 87% of People Find Their Soulmate at Rocco’s

WESTWOOD — A study conducted by the UCLA Department of Sociology concluded that 87% of people find their soulmate at Rocco’s Tavern in Westwood. “After interviewing hundreds of people stumbling out of Rocco’s, we discovered that the majority of patrons met the person they were destined to spend the rest of their lives that very night,” said lead researcher Dr. Sandra Ossining. The study found a similar success rate at Rocco’s exclusive downstairs lounge, Seventy7 West. “To keep our results authentic, our researchers only recorded the accounts of customers who drank a small amount of alcohol at the bar,” said Ossining, failing to note that many students get drunk before even considering making the trip to Rocco’s. The findings could finally answer the perplexing question of why hordes of students put up with long lines and neon blue drinks served in tiny plastic cups every single weekend.