Frat Boy’s Jokes About Hazing Getting Weirdly Specific

WESTWOOD – According to multiple sources, recent “jokes” made by first-year student and fraternity member Mark Prescott about the pledging process have become strangely specific. Some believe that these remarks indicate that UCLA’s fraternities, usually known for their commitment to promoting philanthropy and brotherhood, might not be the sterling institutions many perceive them to be.

Initial concerns were brought up by Prescott’s roommate, Anthony Delfs. “At first he would make jokes about elephant walks and being forced to eat cow shit. You know, stereotypical frat stuff,” said Delfs. “But the other day he said something about being forced to recreate the beach volleyball scene from Top Gun with his other pledges. After Mark said he was just kidding, but that’s pretty elaborate for someone whose favorite TV show is Entourage.

While some are concerned by Prescott’s recent comments, others downplayed his comments. “Yeah, he’s been saying some weird shit lately, but Mark gets laid, like, all the time,” said Prescott’s floormate Derek Cutler, who plans to rush next winter.

When asked about his recent comments, Prescott continued to insist that his comments were just jokes. “Oh yeah, they haze the shit out of us. The other week they totally blindfolded us, drove us into the middle of the Mojave Desert, and just left us for a week without food or water. Haha, one of us didn’t even make it” said Prescott, who slowly started to gaze into the distance as he continued.

“His name was Daniel, I think. Everybody called him Worm. It was day five and the boys were getting hopeless, so Worm and I went looking for water. The two of us set off before dawn to beat the sun, but by daybreak we were lost in that godforsaken desert. We climbed a ridge to get a better view and hopefully find our bearings, when out of nowhere, Worm started yelling about a river in the distance. I couldn’t see it. Must have been a mirage. Worm took off running, I tried to keep up but couldn’t match his manic sprint. He was 200 yards ahead of me when all of a sudden he just stopped and crumpled to the ground. Rattlesnake bit him. By the time I caught up the venom took and he was completely paralyzed. I tried carrying him back, I really did. But we were already lost and I hadn’t eaten in days. My arms were screaming and I just couldn’t take it anymore. So I left him. I just left him. As I lay Worm down he gave me one last desperate, pleading look. Just asking me to try a little harder. No, not asking. Begging. But I couldn’t. I set his body down in the sand and walked away without looking back. But that look stayed with me. Eventually I made my way back, but a little part of me never did. Everytime I close my eyes I see Worm’s frozen, hopeless face. He’s going to haunt me for the rest of my life.”

“Haha, just kidding. The Interfraternity Council actually doesn’t permit hazing,” said Prescott, insisting he made that entire story up on the spot. At press time Prescott was locked in his bathroom, where sources confirm loud sobbing could be heard.