Trump Administration Announces New Hammer-Based Healthcare Plan
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Late last Tuesday night, reporters gathered in the crowded press briefing room to watch Vice President Mike Pence demonstrate the Trump Administration’s […]
Op-Ed: I Definitely Love My Husband
The first thing that I want to make unequivocally clear is that I have never in my life not loved my husband. I love the […]
Coronavirus Revealed To Be Hoax By Nintendo To Increase Animal Crossing Sales
KYOTO, JAPAN — Today, in a private interview with Enabler correspondents, Nintendo president Shuntaro Furukawa revealed that Nintendo orchestrated the Coronavirus pandemic to increase sales […]
Local Weatherman Gives Up
SAN JOSE — Local weatherman Grayson Rays seemed a little less energetic than usual during yesterday’s evening news, Zooming into the broadcast while laying in […]
Op-Ed: Women Under 5’6” Should Be Allowed To See Little Women For Free
When I first saw Little Women I was surprised by how big the women were. I quickly got over my shock when I realized that […]
Hands Touching Face Category Added To Pornhub
LOS ANGELES — Due to the rapid spread of coronavirus, precautionary measures put in place to combat the virus have only highlighted the sensual nature […]
Local Huskies Speak Out Against Husky Guy: “We Don’t Know Him”
WESTWOOD — Students passing through Bruin Plaza Tuesday afternoon were met with an impromptu press conference held by a group of local huskies in an […]
Amazing! Study Finds Set Of Identical Twins Separated At Birth Both Suck
JERSEY CITY, NJ — In a groundbreaking new study, a team of geneticists discovered that a set of identical twins, separated at birth, both grew […]
Op-Ed: I Will Only Vote For Bernie Sanders If He Yells Louder
I grew up in a lighthouse on the coast, my father a foghorn and my mother a seagull. I was nineteen by the time I […]
Dungeons And Dragons Game Disbanded For Problematic Focus On Race And Class
WESTWOOD — The UCLA Office of Equity, Diversity & Inclusion has officially shut down roleplaying club Bodacious Bards’ newest Dungeons and Dragons campaign after students […]