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Op-Ed: Jesus Christ, My Heel Hurts So Much

May 3, 2021 Bruin Statue 0

I went to the doctor the other day. I had been having stabbing pains in my heel for well over a decade. My wife, John […]

Room Temperature Tap Water Sends Student Into Anaphylactic Shock

April 29, 2021 Lily Kiamanesh 0

WESTWOOD — Third-year English student Cody Carter was rushed to Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center on Friday after sipping room temperature tap water that he […]

Point: I Miss The Outdoors / Counterpoint: You Can Still Go Outdoors.

April 15, 2021 Jessica Block 0

P: I Miss The Outdoors. By: Gregory Schneebles This pandemic has been terrible. I dream of the day when I can once again go outside […]

Guy Making Jokes In Lecture Chat Releases Netflix Special

April 14, 2021 Jay Varhula 0

WESTWOOD — Third-year psychobiology student Neil Korsch is preparing to release a Netflix stand-up comedy special later this month after his critically acclaimed set in […]

Area Man’s Art Still Sucks Despite Depression Diagnosis

April 7, 2021 Dylan Wood 0

PORTLAND, OR — After several unlucky years spent developing his craft, things were finally starting to look up for local painter Chuck Picasso (no relation) […]

Only Time Student Pays Attention to Tell Professor Mic Not Working

April 1, 2021 Max Flora 0

WESTWOOD — Second-year biology major Jennifer McGonnifer unmuted herself during a Zoom lecture on Wednesday to tell the professor his audio was not working, although […]

Area Man Worried Quarantine Will End Before Beard Grows In

March 29, 2021 Jade Lacy 0

SAN FRANCISCO — As COVID vaccination distribution and reopening plans continue across the state, local semi-rugged man Hunter Short has been increasingly anxious that his […]

Op-Ed: Everyone Is Getting COVID Without Me And I Have Major FOMO

March 27, 2021 Bill DeWaal 0

How would you feel if every day you checked the news and saw that hundreds of thousands of people were going to a party, and […]

Life In America Returning To Normal

March 25, 2021 Dylan Wood 0

BOULDER, CO — With the nation still reeling from the Coronavirus pandemic, Americans have been able to see signs of normalcy returning following the country’s […]

UCLA Campus Available To Sublet Spring Quarter, Utilities Included

March 10, 2021 Jay Varhula 0

WESTWOOD — At 3 a.m. PST Monday morning, the UCLA Board of Directors released a statement on the “UCLA Free And For Sale” Facebook page […]

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  • Bruin Walk Sales Revealed To Be First Level Of Purgatory

    BRUIN WALK — In an exclusive interview with the Enabler, prolific Bruin Walk salesperson Ven Moe disclosed today that selling wares on the well-trod pathway […]

  • A Letter To Prospective Student Tour Groups: I’m Better Than You

    Dear prospective student tour groups, I was once like you. Young, naïve, a newbie to the UCLA campus jungle. What separates me from you, though, […]

  • Penn State Score Prediction: 22 Dead, 83 Injured

    PASADENA — As Penn State’s Nittany Lions prepare to play the Bruins this Saturday, recent reports from the top experts at FanDuel Sportsbook have revealed […]

  • I Lived It: Blackout Was Nothing Like The Cake From De Neve

    WESTWOOD — ‘Twas the first Thursday of the quarter. I had just spent a whirlwind night with the rankly perspiring men of Sigma Nu, but […]

  • One Millionth Cough Award Given To Guy In The Back Row Of Your Lecture

    WESTWOOD — Bunche Hall 1209B made history this Thursday after a guy in the back row of your lecture received the One Millionth Cough Award, […]

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