Area Man Worried Quarantine Will End Before Beard Grows In

SAN FRANCISCO — As COVID vaccination distribution and reopening plans continue across the state, local semi-rugged man Hunter Short has been increasingly anxious that his beard will not fill out in time to see other people. “They said this quarantine would last at least another year—more than enough time to go from bare to bear,” said Short, shoveling black market miracle hair growth vitamins into his mouth by the handful. “Honestly, who even knows if these vaccines work? Maybe it’d be better if we all just waited patiently at home until we look good again.” For the time being, Short said that he will keep wearing his mask and a blacked-out motorcycle helmet everywhere he goes, just to be extra safe.

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