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UCLA Introduces New 3 Bedroom/17 Person Apartments

August 20, 2022 Kathryn Steenburgh 0

WESTWOOD — UCLA made waves Saturday with the unveiling of an innovative new housing option: a three-bedroom, seventeen-occupant apartment. “Well, we had to figure out […]

CDC Drops 2nd C From Name

August 18, 2022 Dylan Wood 0

ATLANTA — Following a series of changes to their COVID-19 policies, the C.D.C. has declared that they will be dropping the second “C” from their […]

In-N-Out Burger To Replace Bible Verses On Wrappers With Shakespearean Insults

August 13, 2022 Dana Badii 0

IRVINE — Billionaire owner and president of In-N-Out Burger, Lynsi Snyder, announced last Thursday that the wholesome Bible verses on their packaging will soon be […]

FBI Seizes Barron Trump During Mar-A-Logo Raid

August 12, 2022 Dylan Wood 0

PALM BEACH — Officials from the Federal Bureau of Investigation announced Friday that they had seized Donald Trump’s youngest son, Barron, in their search of […]

God Tried For Crimes Against Humanity

August 4, 2022 Tatiana Davidson 0

THE HAGUE — On Monday morning, the International Criminal Court began its trial of God for His lengthy history of crimes against humanity. God is […]

“Just Do It” And 4 Other Things To Say To Your Sweatshop Workers

August 3, 2022 Brandon Wang 0

Sweatshop workers not sweating enough? Don’t sweat it, because the Westwood Enabler has you covered with these original motivational lines! Never tell them that no […]

Ancient Memo Reveals All Greek Sculptures Just Wank Bank Material

July 25, 2022 Brandon Wang 0

ATHENS — A groundbreaking archeological dig revealed Monday that all ancient Greek sculptures were created with the sole purpose of providing convenient visual stimuli to […]

In Her Flop Era? This Woman Has No Bones

July 22, 2022 Hanna Barlow 0

LOS ANGELES — Lifestyle content creator Emily Nariko announced on Instagram last week that, following the mysterious disappearance of all of her bones, she is […]

New Off-Campus Housing Options Include Westwood Target LEGO Aisle

July 19, 2022 Dana Badii 0

WESTWOOD — Upperclassmen, no need to fret! You can expect to make the Westwood Target LEGO aisle a potential new home next year, according to […]

iOS Update Includes Separate Notes App For Social Media Apologies

July 15, 2022 Dylan Wood 0

CUPERTINO — With the rollout of the iOS 16 beta underway, iPhone users may be surprised to find a new addition to their home screens: […]

Posts pagination

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  • Math Professor Doesn’t Know That Half Of Ten Weeks Is Five Weeks

    WESTWOOD — This week, local math professor Dr. Ivil has come under fire after scheduling a midterm for Week 4, a week that is definitively […]

  • Stolen Goods Stolen From Place With Exclusively Stolen Goods

    PARIS — Parisian police officers were stunned to discover this weekend that priceless jewels were stolen from the Louvre, a place that exclusively houses priceless […]

  • BPlate Announces Collab With McDonald’s To Ensure Froyo Machine Breaks More Often

    WESTWOOD – In a surprise new development, BPlate has announced a partnership with the fast food chain McDonald’s to ensure that the froyo machine remains […]

  • Government Shutdown Finally Hits Canvas

    WESTWOOD — Students everywhere awoke this morning to the modern equivalent of snow outside their windows: Canvas has been shut down due to bipartisan gridlock. […]

  • Opinion: If You A Stressed Baddie Who Procrastinated Before Canvas Went Down, This One’s For You

Featured Authors

mm
Georgia McNeill
  • Antisemitism Is Over! Trump Administration Cuts Funding From Cancer Research
  • Top Four Ways To Come Out To Your Family So They Can’t Say No
  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes
Sam Rusk
  • Top 5 UCLA Study Spots If You Don’t Need Outlets, Wifi, Tables or Chairs
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style

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