Twelve Bike Cops Injured, Two Dead After Attempt To Arrest Ackerman Flood
WESTWOOD — After Ackerman and half of campus has been flooded, the leader of UCLA’s bicycle strike force is being blamed for its failure to […]
Charli xcx And Troye Sivan To Host Sweat Tour At CS31 Lecture
WESTWOOD — Charli xcx and Troye Sivan have announced one of the stops on their mutual Sweat Tour will be at the sweatiest venue in […]
Opinion: Week Two Is Over, I Can Finally Drop The Mask And Start Skipping Classes
Well, it’s finally here. Week Two. I attended just enough class to know which professor is serious about attendance policies. I’ve dropped all my 8 […]
Sorry! Biden And Netanyahu Made Pinky Promise To Destroy Palestine As Little Pennsylvanian Boys
Washington, D.C. — With or without a ceasefire deal, Benjamin Netanyahu has promised to continue to rain hellfire upon Palestinians, due to a binding pinky […]
New UCLA Policy Moves “Free Speech Zone” To Middle Of The 405
WESTWOOD — After the wave of pro-Palestine protests that swept campus last year, Interim Chancellor Darnell Hunt has announced a new policy that limits protests […]
OPINION: Lol Did You Hear The News? This Is Crazy. Anyways Wyd Tonite? ;)
Hey I know this is super random lol but did you hear about Biden stepping down? It’s so crazy this is all happening. I really […]
Feminist Win! Orgasm Gap Closed By Sex Where No One Cums
LOS ANGELES — On Tuesday night, Jenny and Rick pioneered a brave new approach to closing the orgasm gap by having equally unsatisfying sex. “Studies […]
Each Roommate Privately Wondering How The Others Are Dealing With Dwindling Hand Soap Supply
WESTWOOD — As the supply of bathroom hand soap diminished to a few bubbles per pump, residents of Gayley Heights apartment 703 were each privately […]
Paul Blart’s Brutal Body Cam Footage Finally Declassified
WASHINGTON, D.C. — On Friday, the United States Department of Justice finally declassified Paul Blart’s body cam footage following years of litigation. “Our buddy Paul […]