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Undocumented Immigrants Taking All Of Nation’s Resources, Says Study Conducted By Racist Uncle

November 30, 2015 Melissa Peng 0

FREMONT, CA — For the fourth consecutive year in a row, self-proclaimed scientist and uncle to five Joey Burke announced at a Thanksgiving dinner turned […]

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Students Take Break From Battling On-Campus Hate To Hate Crosstown Rivals

November 27, 2015 Christopher Wong 0

LOS ANGELES – Lobbing disparaging remarks at the Trojan student body during the UCLA-USC football game Saturday, students at the University of California, Los Angeles […]

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Op-Ed: Shouldn’t ALL Fridays Matter?

November 27, 2015 Nathan Guzik 0

This holiday season, we’ve all gathered our families together to reminisce about the year gone by, and wish each other well into the coming year. […]

Astrophysics Students Blinded from Looking Directly at the Sun

November 25, 2015 Ken Rudnick 0

WESTWOOD, CA — A class of 23 UCLA students from the astrophysics general education course ‘My Star and Me’ were blinded this Monday after taking part […]

Louisiana Denies Governor Jindal Refuge From GOP Primary

November 24, 2015 Jack Lyons 0

BATON ROUGE, LA — Following his displacement from the GOP primary due to instability within the party, Governor Bobby Jindal was denied refuge by his […]

Report: Single Gourd In B-Plate Promises Festive Holiday Season

November 24, 2015 Sierra Scott 0

WESTWOOD — Sources confirmed today that B-Plate has risen the stakes this holiday season, as the addition of a single gourd to the dining hall’s […]

Local Family Eats Cornbread Out Of A Turkey’s Ass

November 22, 2015 Jasmine Don 0

LOS ANGELES — The Suelden family will be gathering in their home to eat cornbread out of a turkey’s ass this Thanksgiving, sources confirmed. “Yes, […]

Student Lists Proficiency At Microsoft Word As Only Skill On Resume

November 22, 2015 Melissa Peng 0

WESTWOOD — Eager to advertise her technological savvy, UCLA student Jennifer Shaw made sure to highlight her experience with Microsoft’s popular word processor by including nothing […]

Freshman Has Yet To Meet Gay Best Friend

November 22, 2015 Sierra Scott 0

WESTWOOD — First year student Carly Lockwood told reporters last Friday that she does not understand how, in nearly two months at UCLA, she has […]

Powell To Be Converted Into Temple For John Wooden

November 22, 2015 Tucker Moses-Hanson 0

WESTWOOD —The UCLA Department of Administration held a joint ad-hoc meeting last Tuesday with the Center for the Study of Religion (CSR) to discuss plans […]

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  • A Letter To Prospective Student Tour Groups: I’m Better Than You

    Dear prospective student tour groups, I was once like you. Young, naïve, a newbie to the UCLA campus jungle. What separates me from you, though, […]

  • Penn State Score Prediction: 22 Dead, 83 Injured

    PASADENA — As Penn State’s Nittany Lions prepare to play the Bruins this Saturday, recent reports from the top experts at FanDuel Sportsbook have revealed […]

  • I Lived It: Blackout Was Nothing Like The Cake From De Neve

    WESTWOOD — ‘Twas the first Thursday of the quarter. I had just spent a whirlwind night with the rankly perspiring men of Sigma Nu, but […]

  • One Millionth Cough Award Given To Guy In The Back Row Of Your Lecture

    WESTWOOD — Bunche Hall 1209B made history this Thursday after a guy in the back row of your lecture received the One Millionth Cough Award, […]

  • Top 5 Dining Hall Beverages That Taste Like Squirt

    For such a pathetic lay like myself, squirt comes around just about as often as this drink. Also, much like the splash zones I’ve experienced, […]

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