Powell To Be Converted Into Temple For John Wooden


WESTWOOD —The UCLA Department of Administration held a joint ad-hoc meeting last Tuesday with the Center for the Study of Religion (CSR) to discuss plans to repurpose Powell Library for the devotion and praise of former basketball coach and current deity John Wooden.

“Our current shrines to the beloved father are simply not sufficient,” argued Carla Bakhos, the Director of the CSR. “We have given a paltry offering compared to what His Woodenness deserves.”

Current sites of worship to the immortal basketball coach include a recreation of his den at the UCLA Athletics Hall of Fame, the John Wooden Center itself, and the bronze statue outside Pauley Pavilion, said to house his benevolent spirit.

Construction for the new temple is scheduled to finish by the spring quarter, and will feature a twenty foot tall, solid gold rendition of John Wooden’s “Pyramid of Success,” on which his most inspiring maxims will be engraved.

“We have come so far,” declared Jennifer Griffin, head of the Woodenite Society on Campus as she was passing out “WWWD” bracelets to other members of the club. “This is a great victory for Pauley-theism.”

Debates will be held the Pavilion this coming Friday as to whether first-year students will be encouraged or required to take a pilgrimage from the Great Coach’s hometown in Hall, Indiana to the future temple before being admitted to the university.

About Tucker Moses-Hanson 6 Articles
Tucker is a first year staff writer for the Westwood Enabler. He recommends that you watch "Cowspiracy." Yes, he's that vegan.