Op-Ed: I’m Pretty Sure That Zayn’s New Single Is About The Magical Night We Spent Together
As everyone who’s anyone knows, the literal GOD who is Zayn Malik released his first solo single Friday. Following its release, two things have come […]
Op-Ed: Iowa, Explained By The Most Popular Girl In Middle School
When I got to school on Monday, everyone was talking about Iowa. Great. last time I checked, I was the cool new girl who worked her way […]
Pita Chips Just An Excuse To Eat 7 Oz Of Hummus
LOS ANGELES — Local woman Evita Jacobs confirmed last Friday that the bag of pita chips she had purchased was just an excuse to eat […]
Discriminatory Grading Policy Favors Students That Work Harder
WESTWOOD—Allegations of widespread discrimination favoring harder-working students in the University of California system arose Monday. “Not only are certain students more likely to get higher […]
Local Motorist Turns Left NOW!
WESTWOOD—After several moments of deep, pensive internal debate, local woman Ann Campbell has decided that right now, with a red light and several pedestrians blocking […]
Area Woman Shazams DMV Hold Music
LOS ANGELES — Citing the incredible variety of smooth jazz that she heard while on hold for nearly 45 minutes today, local woman Susan Foreman […]
Historians Uncover Plato’s “About The Author”
ATHENS, GREECE—Historians identified an original copy of Plato’s self-drafted “About the Author” on Thursday that provides an intimate glimpse into the late philosopher’s personal life. […]
Fire In Boelter, Everyone Gets Lost And Dies
WESTWOOD—The Los Angeles Fire Department confirmed earlier this week that there were no survivors of the massive fire that broke loose in Boelter Hall. “It […]
Op-Ed: Global Warming Will Put Florida Underwater. Oh No.
Experts predict that global warming will cause the sea level to rise three to six feet over the next century, putting at least a third […]